Cash for culottes, not Chevys

Apparently the “Cash for Clunkers” idea has not quite rescued our reeling retail economy. I hate to be the one pointing out the emperor’s state of undress, but please, did anyone besides some very isolated economists think this was going to work?

What we really need is Cash for Fashion Disasters. If every woman in America turned in those too-small (They’ll stretch!) and too-pointy shoes bought on sale, the Wonderbra that turns her homicidal in 20 minutes, the velour sweatpants and matching jacket that make her look like a living room set…we’d dig out of this fiscal black hole in no time.

I could probably lift the drooping economics of an entire mall all by myself, if I could include bad make-up purchases, like that Wild Berry lip gloss that stays on the rim of coffee cups through two dishwasher cycles.

Mr. President, members of House and Senate, top economists, listen up:

If you won’t let the women of this country band together to solve our problems in Iraq and Afghanistan — something we could get done over a long weekend — at least call on us to clean up the mess you’re making with this old-car nonsense. We’re here to help.